I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
