You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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