Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
