Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
