You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
