I'm so fucking centered right now
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
