I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
