Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
