i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
zippers are such a cool invention
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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