"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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