i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
