you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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