I wish I could teleport
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
