Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
