i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
