I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
