So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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