I think I died a long time ago.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
