So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
