just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
