WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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