so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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