I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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