That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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