so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
