Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
