I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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