The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
