I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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