Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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