I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
