I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
