I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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