i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
