Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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