goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
