"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
