If that was your dad, he is hot
operation have a gay friend backfired
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
