Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
