Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
