I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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