My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
