Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
