I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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