You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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