if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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