He kissed a someone with a penis
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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