Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
