Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Hippo gnu deer
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
