I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
